How to talk to children about anxiety
For most of my career I’ve had a pretty clear distinction between my home and my work life. At work I do worksheets and games about anxiety, and at home I’m just a normal parent struggling with all the normal parent things. But under COVID19 that’s changed. I’m using my professional skills more and more with my little people as I start to see the anxieties that abound manifest in them too. I’m seeing anxiety in most of the children in my life, both personally and professionally. So here are some tips on how to talk to kids about anxiety.
1. Externalise it.
Speak about anxiety as something that is happening to the child rather than something that they are doing. This helps children see it something that they can change and also it reduces feelings of shame and guilt. Children are prone to feel like they’ve done the wrong thing. Talking about anxiety as something separate from themselves helps children feel more comfortable and confident in talking about it. For example “Oh I can see the worries are making it hard for you to leave the house at the moment” “So the anxiety is making it hard to sleep right now? Mean old anxiety”
2. Make it playful.
Children love to explore their world through play. I personify anxiety by one of two methods- a worry monster or a worry fairy. I have these two options because some kids like to battle against the mean old worry monster who tells them mean things, while other kids like to nurture the worry fairy who just feels a bit scared (importantly this preference is not gender based). I conceptualise each character as someone who is trying to either look after the child but is going over the top (fairy), or as someone who’s trying to stop the child from doing things (monster). I will help the child draw and name their worry fairy/monster and then we can use their name when talking about anxiety. Eg. Worry monster: “Is Wally Worry Monster telling you not to go to kinder today” Worry Fairy: “Is Sparkles trying to get you to stay home? Is she being overprotective today” You can then help the child find ways to reassure the worry fairy, or fight against the worry monster. This puts you and your child on the same team, rather than your child fighting you.
3. Connect, Contain, Clarify.
These are my threes C’s to help a child manage big feeling.
Connect: Connect with your child to sooth their bodies fight/flight mode so they can start to think clearly. Do this through your physical presence (touch, hugs, being nearby) and by offering your empathy.
Contain: Help your child contain their feelings by helping them organise them. Without judging the legitimacy of their feelings, and the feelings trigger, help them understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling. This step is simply about naming the emotion and why the child might be feeling it. Eg “you’re feeling so sad right now because you can’t go to grandmas”. You might find that these reflections are about small and seemingly trivial things. It’s likely that children will react to the small stuff, but it’s really being driven by the big corona based anxiety that’s lurking underneath. In the same way I get annoyed at my pantry door that sticks, but only when other stuff in my life is stressful. You may simply reflect the actual trigger (eg “you’re feeling sad because you can’t find you favourite shirt”), or you may link it to the bigger community concerns. Eg “you’re feeling so sad right now because you can’t find your shirt...I wonder if you’ve been feeling a bit more sad than usual because of all the corona virus stuff”. Follow your gut as to whether your child will tolerate the broader reflection. You can also give it a go and if they give you a firm “no” then stick with the problem as the child sees it.
Clarify: Finally, if appropriate, clarify any actual problems and help the child problem solve. There might not be a solution so empathy and connection might be all that’s needed.
4. Use yourself as a model.
Let kids know that their feelings are normal. How good are all the lockdown memes at the moment! We like them because they validate our feelings and put our feelings into words. You can do this for your kids too. Reflect that you’ve also been feeling worried or more stressed lately. Everyone has, and that’s ok. Talk to your child about how you’re managing stress and invite them to do the same (its important to model a coping strategy so children don’t feel overwhelmed by our feelings). Eg: “I’ve been feeling sooo grumpy lately, we can’t go out, we can’t have friends over, it’s so samey everyday! I get why you feel the way you do. Sometimes the sunshine makes me feel better. Not all the way better, but a bit better. Will you come outside with me? Perhaps we could read a book?”
5. Remember anxiety and stress come out in all sorts of ways.
Anxiety can look like a worried child, but it can also look like a grumpy, angry and oppositional child. It can come out as sadness too. It can be hard to catch and its easy to forget to look for where our children’s feelings might be coming from. I’ve been doing this job for over a decade and it still surprised me when I realised that my son’s sudden oppositionality reflected his anxiety and not some sudden demonic possession. Staying mindful and curious will help you catch it more often than not. But you’re not perfect and you don’t have to be (seriously, there’s actual stats showing that this kind of mindful parenting is effective even if its only done 60% of the time). Deep breaths.
You got this team.